One time someone told me I was talented and flawless and then Ashton Kutcher appeared.

I watch HGTV a lot. And I’ve noticed some things…

1. Women will always joke about not sharing the closet. Even if there’s two closets, someone in that fucking room will bring up the damn closet and how much clothing they have, and how the woman will not share any of it. 
2. People up north (I’m talking minnesota, the dakotas, really northern shit) always like oak cabinets, even though oak cabinets are fucking hideous. 
3. These same people will always bring up how something is modern, and it is hardly ever modern. Clean does not equal modern, but you could fool these people. It’s like they’ve never seen stainless steel, or squared corners.
4. People with budgets over $800,000… they’re so ridiculous. They will love the 3500 square foot home, but they’ll be like “uh the coloration of this granite isn’t my taste, we’ll need to replace it”. It’s granite, bitch. You wanted tan-peach instead of peach-tan? So sorry.
5. These same people will also not buy a house because they don’t like the paint, or the hardware in the kitchen, or the house doesn’t come with a gas stove. The fuck? It’s oceanfront with floor to ceiling windows and two guest houses, and the knobs on the cabinets will make you pick something else?
6. People will always complain about road noise. Even if they want to live in the city. It’s called a road for a reason, not a path. Cars drive on it.
7. People will not buy a house $10000 under budget because it doesn’t have a fence for their obese shih tzu. We all know that damn dog stays inside all day. 
8. People will say “we want land”. They will not say “We want flat land with no incline.” They will complain about the incline for ages. I’m so sorry that land isn’t level to the inner core of the earth. You’re right, we’ll have to level it so that you don’t trip when you go on your nightly backyard walk.
9. People will say “We want a historic home” and they will complain about the floors creaking. 
10. House Hunters International uses the phrase “american home” like a curse word. And it basically is.
11. Every fucking person will complain about paint color.

me when i accidentally read mpreg

Project Runway

Kenley: I’m not gonna try anything new—

Me: Bitch, you never try anything new.